For those of you who don't know, ASOS is an internationally popular clothing site that bands together all sorts of labels and designers, as well as its own ASOS brand. Known for being fashion-forward, ASOS gathers items that range from classic to absurd. And it just so happens that the more money you're willing to pay for an item at ASOS, the more absurd you're going to get.
ASOS offers you the opportunity to search from lowest to highest price (I normally do this when I'm shopping) but also highest to lowest, for the upper crust of society who want to find a good $400 scarf without being forced to look at all the plebian normal-priced items. So, in a moment of curiosity, I decided to use this search feature to see just what awesome stuff ASOS is selling at its highest prices. I was not disappointed:
1.) Forever Unique Body Conscious Dress with Sheer Inserts $521
2.) Orla Kiely Giant Snowdrop Sixties Shift Dress $623
I am pretty sure my five-year-old sister owns this, but that aside, what material is this made out of to justify that price? Purified unicorn fur? I get that this dress is doing the whole '60s thing, and that's cool, but honestly, it's so unflattering that if someone offered it to me for literally 99% off, at $6.23, I'd be like, "No thanks," and then wonder why the person was demanding such an unfairly high price. I'm not saying I'm the pinnacle of style or anything, but I'm pretty sure this dress could double as an androgyny cloak for religious puritans during the hot summer months.
3.) Clover Canyon Neoprene Dress in Ashford Castle Print $416.90
In other words, "High school student's fashion project." What is this? From what I can tell, this is some bizarre, unexplained mixture of flowers, four different types of plaid, rainbows, grass, and a pheasant. It's like the visualization of a badly translated "On The First Day of Christmas." But don't worry, it's not like it's that expensive. You too can own this dress version of a David Lynch movie for only...$416.90. I wonder what made them decide it was necessary to add the extra $16.90 onto the price of $400. I guess $400 just doesn't do this dress justice.
4.) Wood Wood x Disney Serena Shell Top $322.15
5.) Forever Unique Frill Pencil Dress with Embellished Waist $568.50
Do you want to look like a walking vagina with extra flaps? If so, this is the dress for you. Come on, Forever Unique. What are you trying to do to rich people? They obviously don't know any better. Oh, and in case you were worried about this dress being made of good material, never fret: it's polyester. Polyester. How are they passing off all this polyester as luxury?
6.) ASOS WHITE Pony Hair and Leather Top $341.10
7.) House of Holland Jack Dress $568.50
Spoiler alert: this looks exactly the same if the model is facing front, and by that I mean just as terrible. Whenever women humblebrag about being too curvaceous and naturally sexy to avoid distracting lecherous men and jealous female competitors, I am going to steer them toward this dress. There is no way anyone could check you out in this dress, or even mistake you for an adult human female. Actually, if you stare at this dress for too long it starts to look like Heffer, from Rocko's Modern Life:
8.) One Teaspoon Kingpin Carrot Jeans in Brando Wash $312.68
Believe it or not, there is a way to get this sexy, flattering look at home: just go to Goodwill, find a pair of light-wash jeans that belonged to a tall man, and then chop them off at your ankles. Voila. But of course, that ankle zipper is pretty hard to come by so it's probably worth shelling out the $313 for that alone.
ASOS offers you the opportunity to search from lowest to highest price (I normally do this when I'm shopping) but also highest to lowest, for the upper crust of society who want to find a good $400 scarf without being forced to look at all the plebian normal-priced items. So, in a moment of curiosity, I decided to use this search feature to see just what awesome stuff ASOS is selling at its highest prices. I was not disappointed:
1.) Forever Unique Body Conscious Dress with Sheer Inserts $521
After looking at this item, I'm convinced that Forever Unique is just a secret name for the unwanted surplus of revealing Forever 21 dresses that teenager girls' moms refused to buy for them. I mean, come on. If you saw this dress without a price tag, would $521 ever come to mind as the potential price? This reminds me of the kind of thing Snooki would buy immediately after raking in her first check from The Jersey Shore.
I am pretty sure my five-year-old sister owns this, but that aside, what material is this made out of to justify that price? Purified unicorn fur? I get that this dress is doing the whole '60s thing, and that's cool, but honestly, it's so unflattering that if someone offered it to me for literally 99% off, at $6.23, I'd be like, "No thanks," and then wonder why the person was demanding such an unfairly high price. I'm not saying I'm the pinnacle of style or anything, but I'm pretty sure this dress could double as an androgyny cloak for religious puritans during the hot summer months.
3.) Clover Canyon Neoprene Dress in Ashford Castle Print $416.90
In other words, "High school student's fashion project." What is this? From what I can tell, this is some bizarre, unexplained mixture of flowers, four different types of plaid, rainbows, grass, and a pheasant. It's like the visualization of a badly translated "On The First Day of Christmas." But don't worry, it's not like it's that expensive. You too can own this dress version of a David Lynch movie for only...$416.90. I wonder what made them decide it was necessary to add the extra $16.90 onto the price of $400. I guess $400 just doesn't do this dress justice.
4.) Wood Wood x Disney Serena Shell Top $322.15
Do you want to repel men and spend loads of money? Then this shirt is perfect for you. Yes, it may be polyester (the fabric of the wealthy, naturally) but it's also covered in creepy, distorted pictures of a vintage Mickey Mouse. I mean, what else could a girl want?
5.) Forever Unique Frill Pencil Dress with Embellished Waist $568.50
Do you want to look like a walking vagina with extra flaps? If so, this is the dress for you. Come on, Forever Unique. What are you trying to do to rich people? They obviously don't know any better. Oh, and in case you were worried about this dress being made of good material, never fret: it's polyester. Polyester. How are they passing off all this polyester as luxury?
6.) ASOS WHITE Pony Hair and Leather Top $341.10
I think this shirt solves the age-old dilemma of, "My sweaty long-sleeve crumpled leather shirt needs more pony hair!" If you've been living your life wearing non-pony-haired leather shirts, you obviously haven't lived.
7.) House of Holland Jack Dress $568.50
Spoiler alert: this looks exactly the same if the model is facing front, and by that I mean just as terrible. Whenever women humblebrag about being too curvaceous and naturally sexy to avoid distracting lecherous men and jealous female competitors, I am going to steer them toward this dress. There is no way anyone could check you out in this dress, or even mistake you for an adult human female. Actually, if you stare at this dress for too long it starts to look like Heffer, from Rocko's Modern Life:
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8.) One Teaspoon Kingpin Carrot Jeans in Brando Wash $312.68
Believe it or not, there is a way to get this sexy, flattering look at home: just go to Goodwill, find a pair of light-wash jeans that belonged to a tall man, and then chop them off at your ankles. Voila. But of course, that ankle zipper is pretty hard to come by so it's probably worth shelling out the $313 for that alone.
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